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Building Belonging Community Conversation. Thursday, August 9. 9am PT | 12pm ET | 4pm UTC. Get to know other community builders. Recharge your belonging batteries and find new connections. [Register]

The Gap, The Gain, and The Internal Ad Agency In Your Brain
The short podcast series the Gain and the Gap is worth a listen, especially because the underlying premise is both simple and satisfying: we are unhappy with achievements when we judge them based on feelings - usually in relation to the feelings we expected in our fantasy version of meeting a goal - rather than judging them based on measurement, specifically measurement from where we started out.
This might sound a little bit like "just be happy with the small things you accomplish" and there's truly nothing wrong with that. But to take it a step further, this approach also lets us be iterative and acknowledge that the goals we set often end up being myopic.
In the final episode of the series, The Difference Between Happy and Unhappy Achievers, the hosts, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Harvey, make another point that got me thinking.
We are surrounded by and suffused with advertising. As the number of ads we see has risen (a somewhat apocryphal figure is 5,000 per day), is it at all surprising that the way a fairly large percentage of human interaction these days is basically advertising- the packaged, strategic version of ourselves?
In attention economies, not only are brands looking to stand out, but so are we. There are differences in what provokes attention on various platforms, but fundamentally, we have seemingly come to believe that ad-versions of ourselves are necessary. In some ways, even our "authenticity" can become no more than 'our brand.'
It seems that spaces that are public, are post-based, are profile-driven, and are economically driven by ads do not have space for non-ads. There's not advertising of ourselves that is authentic, because these selves are necessarily packaged.
I don't know if there's harm in this—or even that it's completely new—but it does seem like the last 10-15 years have changed how much we're investing in self-presentation and that means we're spending less time on something else. Given the monumental increases in loneliness, I have to wonder if that thing is investing in relationships.
With making friends, we'll get in trouble by focusing on the "gap" and the feeling we expect to have when we start making a new friend, in other words, the feeling of HAVING a friend.
But if we start to look at relationships from a "gain" perspective, maybe we'll start to see what actions we have taken that actually led to deepening relationships. Chances are that they will not be the advertising we're doing, they will be having conversations and spending time in connection.
This is why communities are so important. When you get to know a group of people and come to feel a sense of trust and belonging, you don’t have to be so vigilant. You can start to get a sense of yourself as a person among people without having to be transactional.
But if we run communities like “shadow social media,” where the community is about “posts” and “comments” and “thumbs-up emojis” - do we get that same benefit?
There’s just a quality-above-quantity paradigm that is counter to the way social technology shapes our conversations. But having one or two real conversations in a week will do more for your sense of connection than reading 500 posts in Slack, Facebook Groups, or Discord.
If you’re already making time to have those conversations, celebrate!
And if you’re not, what would it look like to meet with a few people from your community once a week for an hour (even 30 minutes?) for a month or so? My hunch is that you’ll have no regrets. And it’s easier to get into “gain” mindset when we have people to celebrate with.
Reads & Resources
How the pandemic may have changed friendship styles
Brand Communities Change Customer Attitudes – Here’s How You Prove It
How to Go Beyond Diversity and Inclusion to Community and Belonging [video]

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Events</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC4" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Conversation</a>. Thursday, August 9. 9am PT | 12pm ET | 4pm UTC. Get to know other community builders. Recharge your belonging batteries and find new connections. [<a href="https://lu.ma.com/BBCC4" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Register</a>]<img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/m8/caa79636-c9d3-47aa-a6b8-16b4c4cc207d" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/><h1>​The Gap, The Gain, and The Internal Ad Agency In Your Brain</h1>​The <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-gap-and-the-gain/id1579693186" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">short podcast series</a> the Gain and the Gap is worth a listen, especially because the underlying premise is both simple and satisfying: we are unhappy with achievements when we judge them based on feelings - usually in relation to the feelings we expected in our fantasy version of meeting a goal - rather than judging them based on measurement, specifically measurement from where we started out.​This might sound a little bit like &quot;just be happy with the small things you accomplish&quot; and there&#x27;s truly nothing wrong with that. But to take it a step further, this approach also lets us be iterative and acknowledge that the goals we set often end up being myopic.​In the final episode of the series, <a href="https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-the-gap-and-the-gain-86011055/episode/the-difference-between-happy-and-unhappy-86044127/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">The Difference Between Happy and Unhappy Achievers</a>, the hosts, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Harvey, make another point that got me thinking.​We are surrounded by and suffused with advertising. As the number of ads we see has risen (a somewhat apocryphal figure is <a href="https://permission.io/blog/how-many-ads-per-day/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">5,000 per day</a>), is it at all surprising that the way a fairly large percentage of human interaction these days is basically advertising- the packaged, strategic version of ourselves?​In attention economies, not only are brands looking to stand out, but so are we. There are differences in what provokes attention on various platforms, but fundamentally, we have seemingly come to believe that ad-versions of ourselves are necessary. In some ways, even our &quot;authenticity&quot; can become no more than &#x27;our brand.&#x27;​It seems that spaces that are public, are post-based, are profile-driven, and are economically driven by ads do not have space for non-ads. There&#x27;s not advertising of ourselves that is authentic, because these selves are necessarily packaged.​I don&#x27;t know if there&#x27;s harm in this—or even that it&#x27;s completely new—but it does seem like the last 10-15 years have changed how much we&#x27;re investing in self-presentation and that means we&#x27;re spending less time on something else. Given the monumental <a href="https://www.hrsa.gov/enews/past-issues/2019/january-17/loneliness-epidemic" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">increases in loneliness</a>, I have to wonder if that thing is investing in relationships.​With making friends, we&#x27;ll get in trouble by focusing on the &quot;gap&quot; and the feeling we expect to have when we start making a new friend, in other words, the feeling of HAVING a friend.​But if we start to look at relationships from a &quot;gain&quot; perspective, maybe we&#x27;ll start to see what actions we have taken that actually led to deepening relationships. Chances are that they will not be the advertising we&#x27;re doing, they will be having conversations and spending time in connection.​This is why communities are so important. When you get to know a group of people and come to feel a sense of trust and belonging, you don’t have to be so vigilant. You can start to get a sense of yourself as a person among people without having to be transactional.​But if we run communities like “shadow social media,” where the community is about “posts” and “comments” and “thumbs-up emojis” - do we get that same benefit?​There’s just a quality-above-quantity paradigm that is counter to the way social technology shapes our conversations. But having one or two real conversations in a week will do more for your sense of connection than reading 500 posts in Slack, Facebook Groups, or Discord.​If you’re already making time to have those conversations, celebrate!​And if you’re not, what would it look like to meet with a few people from your community once a week for an hour (even 30 minutes?) for a month or so? My hunch is that you’ll have no regrets. And it’s easier to get into “gain” mindset when we have people to celebrate with.<h2>​Reads &amp; Resources</h2><ul><li>​<a href="https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/how-the-pandemic-may-have-changed-friendship-styles-1.6004400" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">How the pandemic may have changed friendship styles</a></li><li>​<a href="https://www.feverbee.com/communityattitudes/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Brand Communities Change Customer Attitudes</a> – Here’s How You Prove It</li><li>​How to <a href="https://youtu.be/kZaNa17yeaQ" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Go Beyond Diversity and Inclusion to Community and Belonging</a> [video]</li></ul></div>

Building Belonging Community Conversation

. 9am PT | 12pm ET | 4pm UTC. Get to know other community builders. Recharge your belonging batteries and find new connections. [

The Gap, The Gain, and The Internal Ad Agency In Your Brain

 the Gain and the Gap is worth a listen, especially because the underlying premise is both simple and satisfying: we are unhappy with achievements when we judge them based on feelings - usually in relation to the feelings we expected in our fantasy version of meeting a goal - rather than judging them based on measurement, specifically measurement from where we started out.

This might sound a little bit like "just be happy with the small things you accomplish" and there's truly nothing wrong with that. But to take it a step further, this approach also lets us be iterative and acknowledge that the goals we set often end up being myopic.

The Difference Between Happy and Unhappy Achievers

, the hosts, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Harvey, make another point that got me thinking.

We are surrounded by and suffused with advertising. As the number of ads we see has risen (a somewhat apocryphal figure is 

), is it at all surprising that the way a fairly large percentage of human interaction these days is basically advertising- the packaged, strategic version of ourselves?

In attention economies, not only are brands looking to stand out, but so are we. There are differences in what provokes attention on various platforms, but fundamentally, we have seemingly come to believe that ad-versions of ourselves are necessary. In some ways, even our "authenticity" can become no more than 'our brand.'

It seems that spaces that are public, are post-based, are profile-driven, and are economically driven by ads do not have space for non-ads. There's not advertising of ourselves that is authentic, because these selves are necessarily packaged.

I don't know if there's harm in this—or even that it's completely new—but it does seem like the last 10-15 years have changed how much we're investing in self-presentation and that means we're spending less time on something else. Given the monumental 

, I have to wonder if that thing is investing in relationships.

With making friends, we'll get in trouble by focusing on the "gap" and the feeling we expect to have when we start making a new friend, in other words, the feeling of HAVING a friend.

But if we start to look at relationships from a "gain" perspective, maybe we'll start to see what actions we have taken that actually led to deepening relationships. Chances are that they will not be the advertising we're doing, they will be having conversations and spending time in connection.

. When you get to know a group of people and come to feel a sense of trust and belonging, you don’t have to be so vigilant. You can start to get a sense of yourself as a person among people without having to be transactional.

But if we run communities like “shadow social media,” where the community is about “posts” and “comments” and “thumbs-up emojis” - do we get that same benefit?

There’s just a quality-above-quantity paradigm that is counter to the way social technology shapes our conversations. But having one or two 

 in a week will do more for your sense of connection than reading 500 posts in Slack, Facebook Groups, or Discord.

If you’re already making time to have those conversations, celebrate!

And if you’re not, what would it look like to meet with a few people from your community once a week for an hour (even 30 minutes?) for a month or so? My hunch is that you’ll have no regrets. And it’s easier to get into “gain” mindset when we have people to celebrate with.

Are we turning our brains into ad agencies for our "personal brand"?

Upcoming Events:
Community Co-Working. Thursday, August 4, 12:15pm PT / 3:15pm ET / 7:15pm UTC. Let's get productive together. We're getting stuff done and it feels good! Drop in for a cycle or come for the whole time. 
Belonging Builders Community Call. Thursday, August 11. 9am PT / 12pm ET / 4pm UTC. Get to know other connectors and community keepers. Build new connections and leave feeling recharged.

Are you building a community or an audience?
For a long time, most of the things I wrote and published were in the third person or in the first person plural (a royal “we”).
If I spoke as myself, I thought “I” had to sound neutral, smart, and unprovocative. Even before the heyday of 'cancel culture,' I often felt afraid somehow of an audience of people who I felt were somewhere on the spectrum of judgemental to indifferent.
These days, as I write the words that go out to you, I try to share some of myself, to include myself. I don't worry whether what I'm saying is intellectually bulletproof or universally applicable (though sometimes I try to convey my own sense of excitement about an idea that has my brain bouncing around).
One effect of this could be that you feel like you know me a bit. I would like that to be true, to think that something about my essence could translate from my fingers on keys to your eyes and your body.
But I think we've been misled in general as to how much of me you can know this way. And I think that illusion is driving us to label things "communities" when they are at best, audiences.
WTF is a community?
The word community gets used all the time to mean very different kinds of things. I spent some time fruitlessly searching for the word that would distinguish what I think of as "real" community from the other senses in which the word is employed. We use the word to mean 'a group of people with something in common' quite frequently, whether it's the queer community, the local community, or the "people in this Slack" community.
What I mean by community, what I want to foster and develop for myself, is a group of people who know and care for one another, and who interact on a regular basis. These two components are the basic ingredients of belonging.
There's nothing wrong with a word having many meanings of course, but what can happen when we're not being specific is that we expect one kind of 'community' to have the benefits or effects of another. People following someone on a Facebook page, people joining a huge Discord server, people who happen to care about a cause and are in the same place to support it are still just a collection of individuals.
Holding space for connection
To create the dynamics of "real" community requires spaces that support it. I use 'spaces' somewhat loosely, though the most direct route to community remains being in the same physical space and interacting. But even that isn't enough to create community on its own.
Like with relationships among people one-to-one, we need to be intentional to create interconnection. We need to create containers that lead to comfort (and then, even discomfort) and to share values and goals.
I've noticed that people are generally instinctively skilled in connecting with one another in a small group, even when there are introverts involved, or neurodiversity, or very different backgrounds and identities. That's why most great communities start with strong-tie relationships among a small group of people, and why scaling a community works so much more effectively if you can continually create interactions among small groups of people.
Social media is a bad teacher
I think we're being misled by the training we get through social media about what makes us feel connected. In reality, immersive connection, like speaking to each other, seeing each other, and being able to touch other people, gives us a sense of other people that we just can't get with text, no matter how many emoji we include.
At the same time, the internet really does create the possibility of finding other people who can understand us when we have the sense that the people around us don't get it.
But social media and other kinds of post-based communication also create these asymmetrical dynamics where there are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people who get a sense of someone that is one-sided. When we create post and text-based 'communities', we are replicating this kind of dynamic.
Yes, people in the same workspace, server, or Facebook page can send messages back and forth, but for the most part, you get one or a few people who broadcast, a somewhat larger but still tiny percentage-wise group who "engage" by typing something back or 'liking' it, and then a lot of people, there but known by no-one else in any personal sense, who either observe or ignore these messages.
Audiences are great
There's nothing wrong with having an audience. While there are only a few people right now who are reading these very words, you are out there, caring enough to do so, and I am grateful. Those who cultivate audiences and engage them are often very generous and caring.
But each of us needs more than great content.
We need to feel seen and known, and we need to feel a reciprocal sense of caring with other people. This isn't an optional need, it's as real and important as healthy food or exercise.
Over the past 50 years or so, if not longer, we have seen the social fabric that provided for these needs deteriorating, and we've increasingly been buying into the idea that we're each individuals who can exist with only superficial or economic interdependency. I think we all know this is bogus. Nevertheless, every day I talk to someone who feels lonely and isolated, and many of them are community managers. We are ashamed to say, "I need other people to care about me," when we feel like maybe we're not loved and appreciated.
Start small and start a conversation
Luckily, we really can solve this problem by choosing a different approach. When we're willing to spend time with a small group of people, actually talking to each other, on an ongoing basis, things change.
When we create containers of acceptance and avoid dominance, we can often find ways to bridge with one another no matter who they are. We've done amazing things as a species largely because this kind of impulse to connect and collaborate is hard-wired.
Re-thinking the architecture
To me, we need more than a cosmetic renovation of the systems we have today. We need to build from the ground up, with a blueprint that meets our real human needs.
I think it's time to co-create the digital spaces where we connect. It means changing our assumptions, trying something new, but really, just being willing to do something we're out of practice with but isn't weird at all- talking to each other, offering our own experience, being kind.
When we give other people space to be themselves with us and we include ourselves, and when we stick with it, our whole life transforms. It doesn't solve all our problems but our problems feel different when there's someone who cares about us. Without that sense of connection, nihilism, apathy, dehumanization, and despair are kind of inevitable.
Let’s get real
It can feel uncomfortable to say this, to be a little bit of an evangelist, which is antithetical to some part of myself (or maybe that part is just a defense I've constructed). Polemics make me nervous. I don't have a lot of faith in certainty. We are all complex, containing multitudes, embodying contradictions.
But there are some things that I've learned from my and many others’ research.
No matter who you are, there are other people who can relate to you. No matter who you are, having someone who cares what is going on for you is a benefit. And no matter who you are, bringing people together with respect, empathy, and openness makes a difference.
Reads & Resources
What do we mean by “community”? by Brian Stout
Belonging: a review of conceptual issues, an integrative framework, and directions for future research
Making sense of belonging by Dr. Kelly-Ann Allen

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Events:</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/community-coworking" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Community Co-Working</a>. Thursday, August 4, 12:15pm PT / 3:15pm ET / 7:15pm UTC. Let&#x27;s get productive together. We&#x27;re getting stuff done and it feels good! Drop in for a cycle or come for the whole time. ​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC4" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Belonging Builders Community Call</a>. Thursday, August 11. 9am PT / 12pm ET / 4pm UTC. Get to know other connectors and community keepers. Build new connections and leave feeling recharged.<img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/2u/6c076d11-a007-4271-9551-b26ed596bfc1" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/><h1>​Are you building a community or an audience?</h1>​For a long time, most of the things I wrote and published were in the third person or in the first person plural (a royal “we”).​If I spoke as myself, I thought “I” had to sound neutral, smart, and unprovocative. Even before the heyday of &#x27;cancel culture,&#x27; I often felt afraid somehow of an audience of people who I felt were somewhere on the spectrum of judgemental to indifferent.​These days, as I write the words that go out to you, I try to share some of myself, to include myself. I don&#x27;t worry whether what I&#x27;m saying is intellectually bulletproof or universally applicable (though sometimes I try to convey my own sense of excitement about an idea that has my brain bouncing around).​One effect of this could be that you feel like you know me a bit. I would like that to be true, to think that something about my essence could translate from my fingers on keys to your eyes and your body.​But I think we&#x27;ve been misled in general as to how much of me you can know this way. And I think that illusion is driving us to label things &quot;communities&quot; when they are at best, audiences.<h2>​WTF is a community?</h2>​The word community gets used all the time to mean very different kinds of things. I spent some time fruitlessly searching for the word that would distinguish what I think of as &quot;real&quot; community from the other senses in which the word is employed. We use the word to mean &#x27;a group of people with something in common&#x27; quite frequently, whether it&#x27;s the queer community, the local community, or the &quot;people in this Slack&quot; community.​What I mean by community, what I want to foster and develop for myself, is a group of people who know and care for one another, and who interact on a regular basis. These two components are the basic ingredients of belonging.​There&#x27;s nothing wrong with a word having many meanings of course, but what can happen when we&#x27;re not being specific is that we expect one kind of &#x27;community&#x27; to have the benefits or effects of another. People following someone on a Facebook page, people joining a huge Discord server, people who happen to care about a cause and are in the same place to support it are still just a collection of individuals.<h2>​Holding space for connection</h2>​To create the dynamics of &quot;real&quot; community requires spaces that support it. I use &#x27;spaces&#x27; somewhat loosely, though the most direct route to community remains being in the same physical space and interacting. But even that isn&#x27;t enough to create community on its own.​Like with relationships among people one-to-one, we need to be intentional to create interconnection. We need to create containers that lead to comfort (and then, even discomfort) and to share values and goals.​I&#x27;ve noticed that people are generally instinctively skilled in connecting with one another in a small group, even when there are introverts involved, or neurodiversity, or very different backgrounds and identities. That&#x27;s why most great communities start with strong-tie relationships among a small group of people, and why scaling a community works so much more effectively if you can continually create interactions among small groups of people.<h2>​Social media is a bad teacher</h2>​I think we&#x27;re being misled by the training we get through social media about what makes us feel connected. In reality, immersive connection, like speaking to each other, seeing each other, and being able to touch other people, gives us a sense of other people that we just can&#x27;t get with text, no matter how many emoji we include.​At the same time, the internet really does create the possibility of finding other people who can understand us when we have the sense that the people around us don&#x27;t get it.​But social media and other kinds of post-based communication also create these asymmetrical dynamics where there are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people who get a sense of someone that is one-sided. When we create post and text-based &#x27;communities&#x27;, we are replicating this kind of dynamic.​Yes, people in the same workspace, server, or Facebook page can send messages back and forth, but for the most part, you get one or a few people who broadcast, a somewhat larger but still tiny percentage-wise group who &quot;engage&quot; by typing something back or &#x27;liking&#x27; it, and then a lot of people, there but known by no-one else in any personal sense, who either observe or ignore these messages.<h2>​Audiences are great</h2>​There&#x27;s nothing wrong with having an audience. While there are only a few people right now who are reading these very words, you are out there, caring enough to do so, and I am grateful. Those who cultivate audiences and engage them are often very generous and caring.​But each of us needs more than great content.​We need to feel seen and known, and we need to feel a reciprocal sense of caring with other people. This isn&#x27;t an optional need, it&#x27;s as real and important as healthy food or exercise.​Over the past 50 years or so, if not longer, we have seen the social fabric that provided for these needs deteriorating, and we&#x27;ve increasingly been buying into the idea that we&#x27;re each individuals who can exist with only superficial or economic interdependency. I think we all know this is bogus. Nevertheless, every day I talk to someone who feels lonely and isolated, and many of them are community managers. We are ashamed to say, &quot;I need other people to care about me,&quot; when we feel like maybe we&#x27;re not loved and appreciated.<h2>​Start small and start a conversation</h2>​Luckily, we really can solve this problem by choosing a different approach. When we&#x27;re willing to spend time with a small group of people, actually talking to each other, on an ongoing basis, things change.​When we create containers of acceptance and avoid dominance, we can often find ways to bridge with one another no matter who they are. We&#x27;ve done amazing things as a species largely because this kind of impulse to connect and collaborate is hard-wired.<h2>​Re-thinking the architecture</h2>​To me, we need more than a cosmetic renovation of the systems we have today. We need to build from the ground up, with a blueprint that meets our real human needs.​I think it&#x27;s time to co-create the digital spaces where we connect. It means changing our assumptions, trying something new, but really, just being willing to do something we&#x27;re out of practice with but isn&#x27;t weird at all- talking to each other, offering our own experience, being kind.​When we give other people space to be themselves with us and we include ourselves, and when we stick with it, our whole life transforms. It doesn&#x27;t solve all our problems but our problems feel different when there&#x27;s someone who cares about us. Without that sense of connection, nihilism, apathy, dehumanization, and despair are kind of inevitable.<h2>​Let’s get real</h2>​It can feel uncomfortable to say this, to be a little bit of an evangelist, which is antithetical to some part of myself (or maybe that part is just a defense I&#x27;ve constructed). Polemics make me nervous. I don&#x27;t have a lot of faith in certainty. We are all complex, containing multitudes, embodying contradictions.​But there are some things that I&#x27;ve learned from my and many others’ research.​No matter who you are, there are other people who can relate to you. No matter who you are, having someone who cares what is going on for you is a benefit. And no matter who you are, bringing people together with respect, empathy, and openness makes a difference.<h2>​Reads &amp; Resources</h2><ul><li>​<a href="https://medium.com/building-belonging/what-do-we-mean-by-community-b227e7eeae01" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">What do we mean by “community”?</a> by Brian Stout</li><li>​<a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00049530.2021.1883409" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Belonging: a review of conceptual issues, an integrative framework, and directions for future research</a></li><li>​<a href="https://www.drkellyallen.com/post/making-sense-of-belonging" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Making sense of belonging</a> by Dr. Kelly-Ann Allen</li></ul></div>

. Let's get productive together. We're getting stuff done and it feels good! Drop in for a cycle or come for the whole time

. Get to know other connectors and community keepers. Build new connections and leave feeling recharged.

Are you building a community or an audience?

For a long time, most of the things I wrote and published were in the third person or in the first person plural (a royal “we”).

If I spoke as myself, I thought “I” had to sound neutral, smart, and unprovocative. Even before the heyday of 'cancel culture,' I often felt afraid somehow of an audience of people who I felt were somewhere on the spectrum of judgemental to indifferent.

These days, as I write the words that go out to you, I try to share some of myself, 

. I don't worry whether what I'm saying is intellectually bulletproof or universally applicable (though sometimes I try to convey my own sense of excitement about an idea that has my brain bouncing around).

One effect of this could be that you feel like you know me a bit. I would like that to be true, to think that something about my essence could translate from my fingers on keys to your eyes and your body.

But I think we've been misled in general as to how much of me you can know this way. And I think that illusion is driving us to label things "communities" when they are at best, audiences.

The word community gets used all the time to mean very different kinds of things. I spent some time fruitlessly searching for the word that would distinguish what I think of as "real" community from the other senses in which the word is employed. We use the word to mean 'a group of people with something in common' quite frequently, whether it's the queer community, the local community, or the "people in this Slack" community.

What I mean by community, what I want to foster and develop for myself, is a group of people who 

. These two components are the basic ingredients of belonging.

There's nothing wrong with a word having many meanings of course, but what can happen when we're not being specific is that we expect one kind of 'community' to have the benefits or effects of another. People following someone on a Facebook page, people joining a huge Discord server, people who happen to care about a cause and are in the same place to support it are still just a collection of individuals.

To create the dynamics of "real" community requires spaces that support it. I use 'spaces' somewhat loosely, though the most direct route to community remains being in the same physical space and interacting. But even that isn't enough to create community on its own.

Like with relationships among people one-to-one, we need to be intentional to create interconnection. We need to create containers that lead to comfort (and then, even discomfort) and to share values and goals.

I've noticed that people are generally instinctively skilled in connecting with one another in a small group, even when there are introverts involved, or neurodiversity, or very different backgrounds and identities. That's why most great communities start with strong-tie relationships among a small group of people, and why scaling a community works so much more effectively if you can continually create interactions among small groups of people.

I think we're being misled by the training we get through social media about what makes us feel connected. In reality, immersive connection, like speaking to each other, seeing each other, and being able to touch other people, gives us a sense of other people that we just can't get with text, no matter how many emoji we include.

At the same time, the internet really does create the possibility of finding other people who can understand us when we have the sense that the people around us don't get it.

But social media and other kinds of post-based communication also create these asymmetrical dynamics where there are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people who get a sense of someone that is one-sided. 

When we create post and text-based 'communities', we are replicating this kind of dynamic

Yes, people in the same workspace, server, or Facebook page can send messages back and forth, but for the most part, you get one or a few people who broadcast, a somewhat larger but still tiny percentage-wise group who "engage" by typing something back or 'liking' it, and then a lot of people, there but known by no-one else in any personal sense, who either observe or ignore these messages.

There's nothing wrong with having an audience. While there are only a few people right now who are reading these very words, you are out there, caring enough to do so, and I am grateful. Those who cultivate audiences and engage them are often very generous and caring.

We need to feel seen and known, and we need to feel a reciprocal sense of caring with other people. This isn't an optional need, it's as real and important as healthy food or exercise.

Over the past 50 years or so, if not longer, we have seen the social fabric that provided for these needs deteriorating, and we've increasingly been buying into the idea that we're each individuals who can exist with only superficial or economic interdependency. I think we all know this is bogus. Nevertheless, every day I talk to someone who feels lonely and isolated, and many of them are community managers. We are ashamed to say, "I need other people to care about me," when we feel like maybe we're not loved and appreciated.

 solve this problem by choosing a different approach. When we're willing to spend time with a small group of people, actually talking to each other, on an ongoing basis, things change.

When we create containers of acceptance and avoid dominance, we can often find ways to bridge with one another no matter who they are. We've done amazing things as a species largely because this kind of impulse to connect and collaborate is hard-wired.

To me, we need more than a cosmetic renovation of the systems we have today. We need to build from the ground up, with a blueprint that meets our real human needs.

I think it's time to co-create the digital spaces where we connect. It means changing our assumptions, trying something new, but really, just being willing to do something we're out of practice with but isn't weird at all- talking to each other, offering our own experience, being kind.

When we give other people space to be themselves with us and we include ourselves, and when we stick with it, our whole life transforms. It doesn't solve all our problems but our problems feel different when there's someone who cares about us. Without that sense of connection, nihilism, apathy, dehumanization, and despair are kind of inevitable.

It can feel uncomfortable to say this, to be a little bit of an evangelist, which is antithetical to some part of myself (or maybe that part is just a defense I've constructed). Polemics make me nervous. I don't have a lot of faith in certainty. We are all complex, containing multitudes, embodying contradictions.

But there are some things that I've learned from my and many others’ research.

No matter who you are, there are other people who can relate to you. No matter who you are, having someone who cares what is going on for you is a benefit. And no matter who you are, bringing people together with respect, empathy, and openness makes a difference.

Are you building a (real) community or an audience?

Events this week!
Belonging Builders Community Conversation. Thursday, July 28, 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC Meet and get to know other community builders. This session will be focused on connecting with each other and what matters to us.
Community Co-working. Thursday, July 28, 12:15pm PT | 3:15pm ET | 7:15pm UTC Need to get some heads-down work done? Don’t do it alone! Find accountability and light connection at our co-working session on Zoom. Introvert-friendly and super productive.

What happened to welcome?
“Welcome isn't a neutral state. We have to tend to these things.” - R. Eric Thomas
A few weeks ago, during our Community Conversation (come to the next one!), we had a discussion about onboarding people into our communities.
I used to work on product onboarding, so this is a topic I've thought about a lot, but in the call I heard a lot of great ideas, including ones I hadn't thought of. And I can’t wait to share them with you!
Community Onboarding
Onboarding is critical to the health of a community.
There are a few things that make onboarding integral to building a healthy community, but unfortunately, a lot of tools we use for community make it easy to just "add" people on a platform without actually doing any onboarding to the community at all. And community, as we've said before, is not just a collective of people who are in the same space, it's a growing, evolving group of people who care about one another and know one another.
It's important for a new member to feel welcomed.
That might seem obvious, but I would say that the majority of online communities I've joined don't even get to that baseline. Then there are some communities with bots that do some welcoming and context-setting--which is better than nothing--and there's kind of a spectrum of welcoming that goes from there.
If you're trying to build a community that holds space for belonging and strong connection, it's worth investing the effort in doing more robust welcoming and onboarding.
When onboarding is successful, your new members feel not only welcomed, but that they understand the values and norms of the community and what people do who want to get more invested. You're not just giving instructions, you're modeling behaviour.
Talk to people already thriving in your community. The more you understand the journey that your most invested and reliable members took to get there, the more you can convey that process to new members.
Cohort Onboarding
The gold standard of cohort onboarding involves creating small groups of new members hosted by an established member, and giving them a standard process to follow. A great way to do this is by setting up a synchronous meeting and having icebreakers or using Liberating Structures to facilitate more deep interaction.
Setting and Re-setting
In an online community, it can be easy for values and code of conduct to get lost. Making it easy for these to resurface can help get new members more familiar with the community and its norms, and can also help to avoid "policing" which can encourage dominance in the name of cohesion. As an organizer, the more you can be and help your veteran members be stewards rather than cops, the more your community will feel like a great place to spend time.
Not just for the newbies
Onboarding is not just important to help new members feel welcome.
Good onboarding can help the community at large. At times, when people have formed some tribal affiliations within a community, bringing new people on can introduce a sense of threat or "things aren't the same as they used to be." Onboarding new members means integrating them into the group in a way that is rewarding and reassuring to existing members.
Most communities are healthy when they have some natural turnover and fluidity. People's lives change and when someone has become a leader or heavy contributor in a community, but then fall away, their absence is felt.
When people have built trust and feel open and vulnerable with one another, the introduction of new people can feel intimidating, sometimes leading to a less-than-welcoming experience for newbies.
You can avoid cliquishness by keeping veteran and highly participatory members involved and even responsible for welcoming. This often requires some possibility conversations to facilitate a collective understanding and excitement for community growth and sustainability. Check out the framework Peter Block has for running community conversations to learn more.
A few more quick tips from our Belonging Builders Community Conversation:
Give new members opportunities that align with what they want to do
New folks need guidance, they need a safe space, and they need norms to be spelled out or structured
Give members the sense that they have freedom to have an active voice, to take ownership, and contribute their own ideas
Give new members small responsibilities as they get more involved
Understand what goals new members have in being a part of the community, help them meet these goals if they are part of what your community can foster
Don't automate everything, but some process and automation can ensure new members don't slip through the cracks
Model the behaviour you want to see in the community and call it out when you see people doing it well
Thanks to Kortney, Kass, Rosie, Jessie, Asli, Piper, Mitchell, Wayne, Suzanne, Sharon, Marvin, Karin, Isabel, Jacky, Elvis, Anna, and Erik for contributing to these learnings! And join us for our next Community Conversation this week.
Reads & Resources
Here’s why you should have a SaaS community
Rosie's counter-take: I don't want to be onboarded (thoughtful disagreement always welcome!)
Video: Connect and lead, how we create community

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Events this week!</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC3" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Belonging Builders Community Conversation</a>. Thursday, July 28, 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC Meet and get to know other community builders. This session will be focused on connecting with each other and what matters to us.​<a href="https://lu.ma/community-coworking" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Community Co-working</a>. Thursday, July 28, 12:15pm PT | 3:15pm ET | 7:15pm UTC Need to get some heads-down work done? Don’t do it alone! Find accountability and light connection at our co-working session on Zoom. Introvert-friendly and super productive.<img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=676/editor-images/ee/d7a31bee-4d06-48e3-a075-400f6939473d" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:100%;margin:24px auto"/><h1>​What happened to welcome?</h1>​“Welcome isn&#x27;t a neutral state. We have to tend to these things.” - R. Eric Thomas​A few weeks ago, during our Community Conversation (come to the next one!), we had a discussion about onboarding people into our communities.​I used to work on product onboarding, so this is a topic I&#x27;ve thought about a lot, but in the call I heard a lot of great ideas, including ones I hadn&#x27;t thought of. And I can’t wait to share them with you!<h2>​Community Onboarding</h2>​Onboarding is critical to the health of a community.​There are a few things that make onboarding integral to building a healthy community, but unfortunately, a lot of tools we use for community make it easy to just &quot;add&quot; people on a platform without actually doing any onboarding to the community at all. And community, as we&#x27;ve said before, is not just a collective of people who are in the same space, it&#x27;s a growing, evolving group of people who care about one another and know one another.​It&#x27;s important for a new member to feel welcomed.​That might seem obvious, but I would say that the majority of online communities I&#x27;ve joined don&#x27;t even get to that baseline. Then there are some communities with bots that do some welcoming and context-setting--which is better than nothing--and there&#x27;s kind of a spectrum of welcoming that goes from there.​If you&#x27;re trying to build a community that holds space for belonging and strong connection, it&#x27;s worth investing the effort in doing more robust welcoming and onboarding.​When onboarding is successful, your new members feel not only welcomed, but that they understand the values and norms of the community and what people do who want to get more invested. You&#x27;re not just giving instructions, you&#x27;re modeling behaviour.​Talk to people already thriving in your community. The more you understand the journey that your most invested and reliable members took to get there, the more you can convey that process to new members.<h2>​Cohort Onboarding</h2>​The gold standard of cohort onboarding involves creating small groups of new members hosted by an established member, and giving them a standard process to follow. A great way to do this is by setting up a synchronous meeting and having icebreakers or using Liberating Structures to facilitate more deep interaction.<h2>​Setting and Re-setting</h2>​In an online community, it can be easy for values and code of conduct to get lost. Making it easy for these to resurface can help get new members more familiar with the community and its norms, and can also help to avoid &quot;policing&quot; which can encourage dominance in the name of cohesion. As an organizer, the more you can be and help your veteran members be stewards rather than cops, the more your community will feel like a great place to spend time.<h2>​Not just for the newbies</h2>​Onboarding is not just important to help new members feel welcome.​Good onboarding can help the community at large. At times, when people have formed some tribal affiliations within a community, bringing new people on can introduce a sense of threat or &quot;things aren&#x27;t the same as they used to be.&quot; Onboarding new members means integrating them into the group in a way that is rewarding and reassuring to existing members.​Most communities are healthy when they have some natural turnover and fluidity. People&#x27;s lives change and when someone has become a leader or heavy contributor in a community, but then fall away, their absence is felt.​When people have built trust and feel open and vulnerable with one another, the introduction of new people can feel intimidating, sometimes leading to a less-than-welcoming experience for newbies.​You can avoid cliquishness by keeping veteran and highly participatory members involved and even responsible for welcoming. This often requires some possibility conversations to facilitate a collective understanding and excitement for community growth and sustainability. Check out the framework <a href="https://www.peterblock.com/the-six-conversations/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Peter Block has for running community conversations</a> to learn more.​A few more quick tips from our Belonging Builders Community Conversation:<ul><li>​Give new members opportunities that align with what they want to do</li><li>​New folks need guidance, they need a safe space, and they need norms to be spelled out or structured</li><li>​Give members the sense that they have freedom to have an active voice, to take ownership, and contribute their own ideas</li><li>​Give new members small responsibilities as they get more involved</li><li>​Understand what goals new members have in being a part of the community, help them meet these goals if they are part of what your community can foster</li><li>​Don&#x27;t automate everything, but some process and automation can ensure new members don&#x27;t slip through the cracks</li><li>​Model the behaviour you want to see in the community and call it out when you see people doing it well</li></ul>​Thanks to Kortney, Kass, Rosie, Jessie, Asli, Piper, Mitchell, Wayne, Suzanne, Sharon, Marvin, Karin, Isabel, Jacky, Elvis, Anna, and Erik for contributing to these learnings! And join us for our <a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC3" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">next Community Conversation this week</a>.<h2>​Reads &amp; Resources</h2><ul><li>​Here’s <a href="https://newsletter.glynk.com/p/dear-saas-founder-heres-why-you-should" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">why you should have a SaaS community</a></li><li>​Rosie&#x27;s counter-take: <a href="https://village.rosie.land/t/spicy-take-i-dont-want-to-be-onboarded-in-communities/531" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">I don&#x27;t want to be onboarded</a> (thoughtful disagreement always welcome!)</li><li>​Video: <a href="https://youtu.be/P6D1clAMFyw" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Connect and lead, how we create community</a></li></ul></div>

Belonging Builders Community Conversation

Thursday, July 28, 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC

 Meet and get to know other community builders. This session will be focused on connecting with each other and what matters to us.

Thursday, July 28, 12:15pm PT | 3:15pm ET | 7:15pm UTC

 Need to get some heads-down work done? Don’t do it alone! Find accountability and light connection at our co-working session on Zoom. Introvert-friendly and super productive.

“Welcome isn't a neutral state. We have to tend to these things.”

A few weeks ago, during our Community Conversation (come to the next one!), we had a discussion about onboarding people into our communities.

I used to work on product onboarding, so this is a topic I've thought about a lot, but in the call I heard a lot of great ideas, including ones I hadn't thought of. And I can’t wait to share them with you!

Onboarding is critical to the health of a community.

There are a few things that make onboarding integral to building a healthy community, but unfortunately, a lot of tools we use for community make it easy to just "add" people on a platform without actually doing any onboarding 

 at all. And community, as we've said before, is not just a collective of people who are in the same space, it's a growing, evolving group of people who care about one another and know one another.

It's important for a new member to feel welcomed.

That might seem obvious, but I would say that the majority of online communities I've joined don't even get to that baseline. Then there are some communities with bots that do some welcoming and context-setting--which is better than nothing--and there's kind of a spectrum of welcoming that goes from there.

If you're trying to build a community that holds space for belonging and strong connection, it's worth investing the effort in doing more robust welcoming and onboarding.

When onboarding is successful, your new members feel not only welcomed, but that they understand the values and norms of the community and what people do who want to get more invested. You're not just giving instructions, you're 

Talk to people already thriving in your community. The more you understand the journey that your most invested and reliable members took to get there, the more you can convey that process to new members.

The gold standard of cohort onboarding involves creating small groups of new members hosted by an established member, and giving them a standard process to follow. A great way to do this is by setting up a synchronous meeting and having icebreakers or using Liberating Structures to facilitate more deep interaction.

In an online community, it can be easy for values and code of conduct to get lost. Making it easy for these to resurface can help get new members more familiar with the community and its norms, and can also help to avoid "policing" which can encourage dominance in the name of cohesion. As an organizer, the more you can be and help your veteran members be stewards rather than cops, the more your community will feel like a great place to spend time.

Onboarding is not just important to help new members feel welcome.

Good onboarding can help the community at large.

 At times, when people have formed some tribal affiliations within a community, bringing new people on can introduce a sense of threat or "things aren't the same as they used to be." Onboarding new members means integrating them into the group in a way that is rewarding and reassuring to existing members.

Most communities are healthy when they have some natural turnover and fluidity. People's lives change and when someone has become a leader or heavy contributor in a community, but then fall away, their absence is felt.

When people have built trust and feel open and vulnerable with one another, the introduction of new people can feel intimidating, sometimes leading to a less-than-welcoming experience for newbies.

You can avoid cliquishness by keeping veteran and highly participatory members involved and even responsible for welcoming. This often requires some 

 to facilitate a collective understanding and excitement for community growth and sustainability. Check out the framework 

Peter Block has for running community conversations

Thanks to Kortney, Kass, Rosie, Jessie, Asli, Piper, Mitchell, Wayne, Suzanne, Sharon, Marvin, Karin, Isabel, Jacky, Elvis, Anna, and Erik for contributing to these learnings! And join us for our 

What happened to welcome? 

Upcoming Events!
Community Coworking. Thursday, July 21st. 12:15pm PT | 3:15pm ET  | 8:15pm UTC Join us to get stuff done together. Accountability and community in one tasty event series for community makers.
Building Belonging Community Conversation. July 28th. 10am PT | 1pm ET  | 5pm UTC A social event for community connectors. Get to know other community folks, get support, share experience and learning. 
The Intention Economy 


Over the last ten-ish years, our behaviour and social systems have changed a lot, at least in part to what has been dubbed "the attention economy" both by people who disdain the changes and those who see opportunity in harnessing the world's eyeballs and mindspace.
A lot has been written about this and I am going to operate for the purposes of this conversation with the expectation that you're both familiar with the concept and somewhere between 'mildly disenchanted with' and 'full of nausea and fear about the consequences of' this shift.
If we want technology to serve us and not the other way around, we have to change things at some very fundamental levels, such as how we incubate businesses in the tech space and how much entrenched power we afford companies that exploit unlimited behavioural data collection in service of their own bottom lines.
But another thing we have to think about is design. 
Great design starts by understanding what goals we want to serve, and in my mind, those goals are the ones that lead to us feeling better, more inter-dependent, and more compassionate. These are well-documented aspects of well-being that are apolitical and healthy for every human.
Great design incorporates these goals and makes them easier, more habitual, more natural, and reinforces itself by having lots of room to keep "achieving more" and finding the more you put in, the more opportunity there is to get more benefit- like a spiritual practice or maybe even a very sophisticated game. Human connection actually works like this, we don't even have to add points or levels.
Human connection is also something that suffers when it's commodified. So there's a bit of an interesting challenge in creating the intention economy around relationships. 
So what does the intention economy look like? I don't think it can be purely a matter of "this is better for us." Sure, we may recognise that "we're the product" but if the option is to pay or not pay, we are hard-wired to pick free.  This means we have to start thinking more creatively. We have to pay for the value we get by choosing and being supported in choice, not just because there's some general advantage to paying for a service. 
When you think of your communities, I wonder how economies work within them? For example, we spend money on things we do together in real life, not always because there's any tangible return. How can that model be inspiration for the spaces and experiences we offer virtually? How can we support the people who contribute to communities, who organize communities and work for free? How can we make sure finances are not a barrier to people who want to participate (unless the community is organized around being financially successful- no shade!)
Are there models you use to ensure that financial reward isn't the motivation for people contributing (which creates yucky transactionality) but still is financially viable? Can design help us make good choices?
I'm mostly curious about this at the moment, without having answers. There are interesting projects in this space. Do any of them answer the question about building the infrastructure of online community to support intention?
If you have ideas, let's talk!
Reads & Resources
DisCO Mothership Wiki
So you want to run a virtual event  h/t @evanhamilton
The Intention Economy: When Customers Take Charge

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Events!</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/community-coworking" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Community Coworking</a>. Thursday, July 21st. 12:15pm PT | 3:15pm ET | 8:15pm UTC Join us to get stuff done together. Accountability and community in one tasty event series for community makers.​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC3" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Conversation</a>. July 28th. 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC A social event for community connectors. Get to know other community folks, get support, share experience and learning. <h1>​The Intention Economy </h1>​<img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/jr/becd3258-59b2-4819-863d-dfb07cf0792b" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/>​Over the last ten-ish years, our behaviour and social systems have changed a lot, at least in part to what has been dubbed &quot;the attention economy&quot; both by people who disdain the changes and those who see opportunity in harnessing the world&#x27;s eyeballs and mindspace.​A lot has been written about this and I am going to operate for the purposes of this conversation with the expectation that you&#x27;re both familiar with the concept and somewhere between &#x27;mildly disenchanted with&#x27; and &#x27;full of nausea and fear about the consequences of&#x27; this shift.​If we want technology to serve us and not the other way around, we have to change things at some very fundamental levels, such as how we incubate businesses in the tech space and how much entrenched power we afford companies that exploit unlimited behavioural data collection in service of their own bottom lines.​But another thing we have to think about is design. ​Great design starts by understanding what goals we want to serve, and in my mind, those goals are the ones that lead to us feeling better, more inter-dependent, and more compassionate. These are well-documented aspects of well-being that are apolitical and healthy for every human.​Great design incorporates these goals and makes them easier, more habitual, more natural, and reinforces itself by having lots of room to keep &quot;achieving more&quot; and finding the more you put in, the more opportunity there is to get more benefit- like a spiritual practice or maybe even a very sophisticated game. Human connection actually works like this, we don&#x27;t even have to add points or levels.​Human connection is also something that suffers when it&#x27;s commodified. So there&#x27;s a bit of an interesting challenge in creating the intention economy around relationships. ​So what does the intention economy look like? I don&#x27;t think it can be purely a matter of &quot;this is better for us.&quot; Sure, we may recognise that &quot;we&#x27;re the product&quot; but if the option is to pay or not pay, we are hard-wired to pick free. This means we have to start thinking more creatively. We have to pay for the value we get by choosing and being supported in choice, not just because there&#x27;s some general advantage to paying for a service. ​When you think of your communities, I wonder how economies work within them? For example, we spend money on things we do together in real life, not always because there&#x27;s any tangible return. How can that model be inspiration for the spaces and experiences we offer virtually? How can we support the people who contribute to communities, who organize communities and work for free? How can we make sure finances are not a barrier to people who want to participate (unless the community is organized around being financially successful- no shade!)​Are there models you use to ensure that financial reward isn&#x27;t the motivation for people contributing (which creates yucky transactionality) but still is financially viable? Can design help us make good choices?​I&#x27;m mostly curious about this at the moment, without having answers. There are interesting projects in this space. Do any of them answer the question about building the infrastructure of online community to support intention?​If you have ideas, let&#x27;s talk!<h2>​Reads &amp; Resources</h2><ul><li>​<a href="https://mothership.disco.coop/Main_Page" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">DisCO Mothership Wiki</a></li><li>​<a href="https://blog.lazerwalker.com/2022/05/10/virtual-events.html" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">So you want to run a virtual event</a> h/t <a href="https://twitter.com/evanhamilton" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">@evanhamilton</a></li><li>​<a href="https://www.powells.com/book/the-intention-economy-9781422158524" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">The Intention Economy: When Customers Take Charge</a></li></ul></div>

| 8:15pm UTC Join us to get stuff done together. 

 in one tasty event series for community makers.

 | 5pm UTC A social event for community connectors. 

, get support, share experience and learning. 

Over the last ten-ish years, our behaviour and social systems have changed a lot, at least in part to what has been dubbed "the attention economy" both by people who disdain the changes and those who see opportunity in harnessing the world's eyeballs and mindspace.

A lot has been written about this and I am going to operate for the purposes of this conversation with the expectation that you're both familiar with the concept and somewhere between 'mildly disenchanted with' and 'full of nausea and fear about the consequences of' this shift.

If we want technology to serve us and not the other way around, we have to change things at some very fundamental levels, such as how we incubate businesses in the tech space and how much entrenched power we afford companies that exploit unlimited behavioural data collection in service of their own bottom lines.

But another thing we have to think about is design. 

Great design starts by understanding what goals we want to serve, and in my mind, those goals are the ones that lead to us feeling better, more inter-dependent, and more compassionate. These are well-documented aspects of well-being that are apolitical and healthy for every human.

Great design incorporates these goals and makes them easier, more habitual, more natural, and reinforces itself by having lots of room to keep "achieving more" and finding the more you put in, the more opportunity there is to get more benefit- like a spiritual practice or maybe even a very sophisticated game. Human connection actually works like this, we don't even have to add points or levels.

Human connection is also something that suffers when it's commodified. So there's a bit of an interesting challenge in creating the intention economy around relationships. 

So what does the intention economy look like? I don't think it can be purely a matter of "this is better for us." Sure, we may recognise that "we're the product" but if the option is to pay or not pay, we are hard-wired to pick free.  This means we have to start thinking more creatively. We have to pay for the value we get by choosing and being supported in choice, not just because there's some general advantage to paying for a service. 

When you think of your communities, I wonder how economies work within them? For example, we spend money on things we do together in real life, not always because there's any tangible return. How can that model be inspiration for the spaces and experiences we offer virtually? How can we support the people who contribute to communities, who organize communities and work for free? How can we make sure finances are not a barrier to people who want to participate (unless the community is organized around being financially successful- no shade!)

Are there models you use to ensure that financial reward isn't the motivation for people contributing (which creates yucky transactionality) but still is financially viable? Can design help us make good choices?

I'm mostly curious about this at the moment, without having answers. There are interesting projects in this space. Do any of them answer the question about building the infrastructure of online community to support intention?

How would you create an economy of intention?

Upcoming community events:
Building Belonging Community Conversation: July 28. Meet and share experience with other people who are connecting communities and building belonging. I would love to see you and introduce you to some amazing people.
Other events:
Commsor Community Career Fair
Rise Up!: A National Conference for Queer & Trans Youth Organizers
The Crisis of Social Care and the Promise of Social Coops
The life changing magic of having someone to talk to

It was my ninth birthday and I was mortified.
Only two other kids showed up to my party. Petal Conklin, my best friend, was unfazed, but Amy Compton evinced a distinct discomfort, though it was unclear whether that was because she was shy or because it’s simply painful to witness a disaster. 
The picture I have from that day doesn’t reflect my memory at all. In it, I am smiling and blowing out the candles an elaborate cake in the shape of a unicorn and rainbow (so ahead of my time).
But even now, as my birthday approaches, I still get that out-of-nowhere feeling like “oh, maybe I don’t have friends after all,” which leads me to avoid the whole thing or feel awkward when I invite people to do something and they already have plans.  
In retrospect, I know having a summer birthday means many people are traveling or have family stuff going on. I know there are a good number of people who I love and care about and trust. But it’s absurdly easy to feel alone and even more potently, ashamed, like I can’t let anyone know that I’m lonely.
Even if I really had no one to celebrate with, I wouldn’t be alone. A recent study found that 30% of millennials say they have no close friends. Another finds that one in four Americans say they have no one to talk to about important matters. One in three older people are lonely.
The health effects of social isolation and loneliness are well-documented and staggering. Years of life are lost. Even more years are filled with depression, anxiety, obesity, addiction, and greater risk of heart attacks and stroke.
We're treating so many symptoms of this problem and coming up with technological solutions that really make no sense if you think about it for two seconds. Sharing content? Robots? Artificial intelligence?
We don't have any shortage of people to talk to! Billions of us are out here. But we've come up with this crazy idea that we don't have time to invest in relationships and community, that we don't have ways of really connecting with people or finding the right ones.
Some of that is by design. There are industries predicated on our loneliness and even more emerging- not to actually solve the problem, but to make money from the problem's existence. Look around at how many businesses depend on an ongoing supply of people desperately seeking connection AND who supply a simulation of connection or a brief hit of something comforting that leaves us wanting.
We've definitely seen this in tech. Social media, dating apps, voice assistants, and so many other services offer this idea of connection or interaction in service of their own bottom lines. Even the services that promise to directly connect us to other people often lack any real sense of context, emotion, or what is really going on for someone in their daily life. They are more like ads of our lives or emotionless snippets of text, not conversations. But they are convenient!
The thing is, we're moving culturally into a context where it's only going to be harder and harder to get the required amount of connection and belonging we are built to need. We've built systems to support individualism above all else. We are alone way more than we evolved to endure.
I get it. I've always been one of those people who felt conflicted by any sort of tribalism. I have an idea of myself that is independent, self-sufficient, kind-of weird and outsidery. But the more I look into the systems around me, the more I wonder how much of that is my inherent personality and how much is me blindly responding to the cues around me.
Even before Web 2.0 came along, we were seeing more isolation and a kind of breakdown of social structures that had collective or community aspects. The Information Age accelerated this by creating more jobs where people primarily work on their own, more gig work, more opportunities to move away from family, and more ways to find people with similar interests anywhere and create loose networks, as opposed to being forced into the messy work of building relationships with the people nearby.
Here's the thing. We can't reverse time, and even if we could, there's lots of reasons we wouldn't want to. But we can think about what we want to move toward, and whether we want to do it together.
To build strong, sustaining relationships, we have to spend the time (and get years back in return)! We have to learn how to be in connection. We have to heal. We have to have conflicts and we have to be honest. We have to be vulnerable and trust one another, even though we've been hurt.
I'm not saying this is easy. It's so far from easy. But that's the point.
We're hurtling towards a future where we implode from convenience.
As a tech builder, I want to make it easier to facilitate community and stronger connection. And I am convinced that's possible. But I don't want convenience or ease to be the goal.
People are complicated, confusing, awe-inspiring paradoxes. We are everything and nothing. We are tender and cruel. To successfully come together, we need to have some sense of owning our own experience and to avoid judging others. In groups where those norms are established, trust emerges. Sometimes trust is challenged or conflict happens. But just those two norms can help us to go through the river, to get wet but not to drown.
I don't believe we can 'solve' our disconnection with technology, but we can make technology that fosters these norms, that doesn't actively work against connection. And we can serve the people who hold the spaces that allow us to find ourselves in community.
Reads & Resources
Belonging and Crisis of Futurity
Don’t Call it a Community and don’t miss Rosie’s thread on advice for folks starting communities
Video: The Art of Community & Belonging - Charles Vogl at Google

If you're not a member of our collective yet, please join us to build the future of community.

Join the movement - https://lu.ma/getwith

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming community events:</h2><ul><li>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC3" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Conversation</a>: July 28. Meet and share experience with other people who are connecting communities and building belonging. I would love to see you and introduce you to some amazing people.</li></ul>​Other events:<ul><li>​Commsor <a href="https://commchat.commsor.com/e/comm-career-fair" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Community Career Fair</a></li><li>​<a href="https://www.eventbrite.com/e/smyals-rise-up-a-national-conference-for-queer-trans-youth-organizers-tickets-359525058127" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Rise Up!</a>: A National Conference for Queer &amp; Trans Youth Organizers</li><li>​<a href="https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-crisis-of-social-care-and-the-promise-of-social-coops-tickets-378373604637" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">The Crisis of Social Care and the Promise of Social Coops</a></li></ul><h1>​The life changing magic of having someone to talk to</h1><img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/wt/0d61005e-3cb1-49fc-9d89-cdd880326a69" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/>​It was my ninth birthday and I was mortified.​Only two other kids showed up to my party. Petal Conklin, my best friend, was unfazed, but Amy Compton evinced a distinct discomfort, though it was unclear whether that was because she was shy or because it’s simply painful to witness a disaster. ​The picture I have from that day doesn’t reflect my memory at all. In it, I am smiling and blowing out the candles an elaborate cake in the shape of a unicorn and rainbow (so ahead of my time).​But even now, as my birthday approaches, I still get that out-of-nowhere feeling like “oh, maybe I don’t have friends after all,” which leads me to avoid the whole thing or feel awkward when I invite people to do something and they already have plans. ​In retrospect, I know having a summer birthday means many people are traveling or have family stuff going on. I know there are a good number of people who I love and care about and trust. But it’s absurdly easy to feel alone and even more potently, ashamed, like I can’t let anyone know that I’m lonely.​Even if I really had no one to celebrate with, I wouldn’t be alone. A recent study found that <a href="https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2019/07/30/loneliness-friendship-new-friends-poll-survey" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">30% of millennials say they have no close friends</a>. Another finds that one in four Americans say they have <a href="https://www.academia.edu/59866455/Social_Isolation_In_America_Changes_In_Core_Discussion_Networks_Over_Two_Decades" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">no one to talk to about important matters</a>. One in three older people are lonely.​The health effects of social isolation and loneliness are <a href="https://www.who.int/teams/social-determinants-of-health/demographic-change-and-healthy-ageing/social-isolation-and-loneliness" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">well-documented and staggering</a>. Years of life are lost. Even more years are filled with depression, anxiety, obesity, addiction, and greater risk of heart attacks and stroke.​We&#x27;re treating so many symptoms of this problem and coming up with technological solutions that really make no sense if you think about it for two seconds. Sharing content? Robots? Artificial intelligence?​We don&#x27;t have any shortage of people to talk to! Billions of us are out here. But we&#x27;ve come up with this crazy idea that we don&#x27;t have time to invest in relationships and community, that we don&#x27;t have ways of really connecting with people or finding the right ones.​Some of that is by design. There are industries predicated on our loneliness and even more emerging- not to actually solve the problem, but to make money from the problem&#x27;s existence. Look around at how many businesses depend on an ongoing supply of people desperately seeking connection AND who supply a simulation of connection or a brief hit of something comforting that leaves us wanting.​We&#x27;ve definitely seen this in tech. Social media, dating apps, voice assistants, and so many other services offer this idea of connection or interaction in service of their own bottom lines. Even the services that promise to directly connect us to other people often lack any real sense of context, emotion, or what is really going on for someone in their daily life. They are more like ads of our lives or emotionless snippets of text, not conversations. But they are convenient!​The thing is, we&#x27;re moving culturally into a context where it&#x27;s only going to be harder and harder to get the required amount of connection and belonging we are built to need. We&#x27;ve built systems to support individualism above all else. We are alone way more than we evolved to endure.​I get it. I&#x27;ve always been one of those people who felt conflicted by any sort of tribalism. I have an idea of myself that is independent, self-sufficient, kind-of weird and outsidery. But the more I look into the systems around me, the more I wonder how much of that is my inherent personality and how much is me blindly responding to the cues around me.​Even before Web 2.0 came along, we were seeing more isolation and a kind of breakdown of social structures that had collective or community aspects. The Information Age accelerated this by creating more jobs where people primarily work on their own, more gig work, more opportunities to move away from family, and more ways to find people with similar interests anywhere and create loose networks, as opposed to being forced into the messy work of building relationships with the people nearby.​Here&#x27;s the thing. We can&#x27;t reverse time, and even if we could, there&#x27;s lots of reasons we wouldn&#x27;t want to. But we can think about what we want to move toward, and whether we want to do it together.​To build strong, sustaining relationships, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">we have to spend the time</a> (and get years back in return)! We have to learn how to be in connection. We have to heal. We have to have conflicts and we have to be honest. We have to be vulnerable and trust one another, even though we&#x27;ve been hurt.​I&#x27;m not saying this is easy. It&#x27;s so far from easy. But that&#x27;s the point.​We&#x27;re hurtling towards a future where we implode from convenience.​As a tech builder, I want to make it easier to facilitate community and stronger connection. And I am convinced that&#x27;s possible. But I don&#x27;t want convenience or ease to be the goal.​People are complicated, confusing, awe-inspiring paradoxes. We are everything and nothing. We are tender and cruel. To successfully come together, we need to have some sense of owning our own experience and to avoid judging others. In groups where those norms are established, trust emerges. Sometimes trust is challenged or conflict happens. But just those two norms can help us to go through the river, to get wet but not to drown.​I don&#x27;t believe we can &#x27;solve&#x27; our disconnection with technology, but we can make technology that fosters these norms, that doesn&#x27;t actively work against connection. And we can serve the people who hold the spaces that allow us to find ourselves in community.<h2>​Reads &amp; Resources</h2><ul><li>​<a href="https://belonging.substack.com/p/issue-61-belonging-and-crisis-of" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Belonging and Crisis of Futurity</a></li><li>​<a href="https://rosie.land/posts/rosieland-roundup-139-dont-call-it-a-community/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Don’t Call it a Community</a> and don’t miss Rosie’s <a href="https://twitter.com/rosiesherry/status/1544667489329725440" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">thread on advice for folks starting communities</a></li><li>​Video: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MszTlUYF8P4" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">The Art of Community &amp; Belonging</a> - Charles Vogl at Google</li></ul><hr/>​If you&#x27;re not a member of our collective yet, please join us to build the future of community.<div style="text-align:center;margin-bottom:1rem"><a href="https://lu.ma/getwith" class="btn" style="background-color:#de3163;color:#ffffff;border:1px solid transparent;padding:0.75rem 1.5rem;border-radius:8px;font-size:1rem !important;line-height:1 !important;word-break:break-word;display:inline-block;text-align:center;font-weight:bold;text-decoration:none !important">Join the movement</a></div></div>

The life changing magic of having someone to talk to

Only two other kids showed up to my party. Petal Conklin, my best friend, was unfazed, but Amy Compton evinced a distinct discomfort, though it was unclear whether that was because she was shy or because it’s simply painful to witness a disaster. 

The picture I have from that day doesn’t reflect my memory at all. In it, I am smiling and blowing out the candles an elaborate cake in the shape of a unicorn and rainbow (so ahead of my time).

But even now, as my birthday approaches, I still get that out-of-nowhere feeling like “oh, maybe I don’t have friends after all,” which leads me to avoid the whole thing or feel awkward when I invite people to do something and they already have plans.  

 having a summer birthday means many people are traveling or have family stuff going on. 

 there are a good number of people who I love and care about and trust. But it’s absurdly easy to feel alone and even more potently, ashamed, like 

I can’t let anyone know that I’m lonely

Even if I really had no one to celebrate with, I wouldn’t be alone. A recent study found that 

30% of millennials say they have no close friends

. Another finds that one in four Americans say they have 

no one to talk to about important matters

The health effects of social isolation and loneliness are 

. Even more years are filled with depression, anxiety, obesity, addiction, and greater risk of heart attacks and stroke.

 of this problem and coming up with technological solutions that really make no sense if you think about it for two seconds. Sharing content? Robots? Artificial intelligence?

 Billions of us are out here. But we've come up with this crazy idea that we don't have time to invest in relationships and community, that we don't have ways of really connecting with people or finding the right ones.

Some of that is by design. There are industries predicated on our loneliness and even more emerging- not to actually solve the problem, but to make money from the problem's existence. Look around at how many businesses depend on an ongoing supply of people desperately seeking connection AND who supply a simulation of connection or a brief hit of something comforting that leaves us wanting.

We've definitely seen this in tech. Social media, dating apps, voice assistants, and so many other services offer this idea of connection or interaction in service of their own bottom lines. Even the services that promise to directly connect us to other people often lack any real sense of context, emotion, or what is really going on for someone in their daily life. 

They are more like ads of our lives or emotionless snippets of text, not conversations.

The thing is, we're moving culturally into a context where it's only going to be harder and harder to get the required amount of connection and belonging we are built to need. We've built systems to support individualism above all else. We are alone way more than we evolved to endure.

I get it. I've always been one of those people who felt conflicted by any sort of tribalism. I have an idea of myself that is independent, self-sufficient, kind-of weird and outsidery. But the more I look into the systems around me, the more I wonder how much of that is my inherent personality and how much is me blindly responding to the cues around me.

Even before Web 2.0 came along, we were seeing more isolation and a kind of breakdown of social structures that had collective or community aspects. The Information Age accelerated this by creating more jobs where people primarily work on their own, more gig work, more opportunities to move away from family, and more ways to find people with similar interests anywhere and create loose networks, as opposed to being forced into the messy work of building relationships with the people nearby.

We can't reverse time, and even if we could, there's lots of reasons we wouldn't want to

 think about what we want to move toward, and whether we want to do it together.

To build strong, sustaining relationships, 

 (and get years back in return)! We have to learn how to be in connection. We have to heal. We have to have conflicts and we have to be honest. We have to be vulnerable and trust one another, even though we've been hurt.

I'm not saying this is easy. It's so far from easy. But that's the point.

We're hurtling towards a future where we implode from convenience.

As a tech builder, I want to make it easier to facilitate community and stronger connection. And I am convinced that's possible. But I don't want convenience or ease to be the goal.

People are complicated, confusing, awe-inspiring paradoxes. We are everything and nothing. We are tender and cruel. To successfully come together, we need to have 

. In groups where those norms are established, trust emerges. Sometimes trust is challenged or conflict happens. But just those two norms can help us to go through the river, to get wet but not to drown.

I don't believe we can 'solve' our disconnection with technology, but we can make technology that fosters these norms, that doesn't actively work against connection. And we can serve the people who hold the spaces that allow us to find ourselves in community.

If you're not a member of our collective yet, please join us to build the future of community.

Why are we ashamed of being lonely? 🦄

Upcoming Events:
Building Belonging Community Call - this is our own hangout to talk about community building and making connections. Please join! 
Other Interesting Events and Programs:
AMA with Your Undivided Attention podcast producer Stephanie Lepp
Healing Intergenerational Trauma
The Compassion Course
A Shared Path to the Future

As I make re-entry into my normal life after a week in a beautiful place with beautiful people doing work that also embodies beauty in the truth sense of the term, I'm thinking, as I often do, about belonging. Last week, it was the first time in years (those years) when I found myself in a group of people who were new to me, and gracious if it didn't start my old 'I'm the outsider' tape playing in my brain's reel-to-reel. 
Human biology sometimes confounds logic. Our biological, embodied reaction to feeling estranged is to put up defenses, to withdraw, to have the same brain reaction as we do to physical pain (or at least, to have activity that looks the same as pain in an MRI scan). So it took a bit of soothing and self-talk to get out of my particular reaction to "being the interloper" (which tends to be a bit of a "performance of nice") and to remember that I belong to myself. And in the meantime, I really got to be compassionate to this little person inside me who changed schools so many times and had this weird background, weird brain, and weird identity that I learned to veneer. 
What is belonging?
Belonging is not the same thing as fitting in- in fact, I would say it's the opposite. Fitting in requires buying into a perspective of one kind or another that can never be the whole truth for ourselves or for our community. 
Belonging, at least to my mind, means we get to recognise that we have our own individual perspective that is different from every other person, that our experiences and intersections and biology and epigenetics make us singular. We get to be allowed, not by other people and perhaps not even by our selves, but by the fact of our existence. We get to be where and who we are and to have that be perfect in that moment.
With that wholeness, we can begin to inter-relate and recognise interdependence as well. We can start to think about how we in our perfection can allow everyone else to be themselves. Not to say that anyone needs our permission. As soon as we think we have the power to grant approval, we are living in dominance.
We are living in a time that feels broken to me in many ways. A time when dominance is imbued in most of the systems in which we participate. 
 So much of our current discourse seems oriented around nostalgia for times that were never great for a lot of people, or trying to address inequity by focusing on equality. Many people have pointed out that equality is a poor substitute for equity, but even that argument misses something important when it comes to the opportunity to change our future. 
Action > Hope
The head of the Othering and Belonging Institute at Berkeley, john a. powell, has one of the most powerful ways of articulating a way forward. Instead of trying to somehow get marginalized or under-resourced people up to the same bar as privileged people, he suggests that we think about what we want for ourselves, for our families, what would reflect our well-being, health, and our sense of belonging and then figure out how to get all people to that place. 
We are "intraconnected" and no one really can be free and be whole as long as systems of dominance enforce the idea of 'have and have not' or 'I'll get mine' or any other way of thinking that positions my happiness against yours, and my needing 'power over' to get what I need.
Communities are microcosms where we can practice this idea. As builders, we can seek to understand what we're all collectively aiming for and to create structures that can help every member to get there, no matter what their starting place looks like. And that means that each person's process is different and needs different supports and entry points. We don't have to "manage" this; instead, we need to remove barriers to allow individuals to craft their own journey while becoming more integrated. 
The key to this, as with most things we do together, is listening with curiosity and without judgment or the intention to "fix" something. Listening to ourselves the same way. And as we bring people together and foster conversation with this orientation, we're likely to discover our common goals and hopes and needs. 
There's not a magic formula for unity. There's work involved and I don't know if we will make it. But we have possibility and undiscovered connections that are worth the effort.
Worth your time:
john a. powell speaks to bell hooks [video]
UnLonely Film Festival [website]
The "Other" Building Belonging (who are doing amazing work!) [channel]
picture caption: the trail leading to Olatunji Hall at Hollyhock
Join the conversation! 
We're starting with a collective of people who care about community here.

Join the Conversation - https://lu.ma/getwith

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Events:</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC2" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Call </a>- this is our own hangout to talk about community building and making connections. Please join! ​Other Interesting Events and Programs:​<a href="https://centerforhumanetech.typeform.com/to/qopSFvIk?" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">AMA with Your Undivided Attention podcast</a> producer Stephanie Lepp​<a href="https://www.theembodylab.com/schedule/1-day-summit-healing-intergenerationa-trauma" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Healing Intergenerational Trauma</a>​<a href="https://www.compassioncourse.org/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">The Compassion Course</a><h1>​A Shared Path to the Future</h1><img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/0r/d7a2e90c-27b5-4c14-8e03-40b613539d3d" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/>​As I make re-entry into my normal life after <a href="https://radicaldharma.org/camp/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">a week in a beautiful place with beautiful people</a> doing work that also embodies beauty in the truth sense of the term, I&#x27;m thinking, as I often do, about belonging. Last week, it was the first time in years (those years) when I found myself in a group of people who were new to me, and gracious if it didn&#x27;t start my old &#x27;I&#x27;m the outsider&#x27; tape playing in my brain&#x27;s reel-to-reel. ​Human biology sometimes confounds logic. Our biological, embodied reaction to feeling estranged is to put up defenses, to withdraw, to have the same brain reaction as we do to physical pain (or at least, to have activity that looks the same as pain in an MRI scan). So it took a bit of soothing and self-talk to get out of my particular reaction to &quot;being the interloper&quot; (which tends to be a bit of a &quot;performance of nice&quot;) and to remember that I belong to myself. And in the meantime, I really got to be compassionate to this little person inside me who changed schools so many times and had this weird background, weird brain, and weird identity that I learned to veneer. <h2>​What is belonging?</h2>​Belonging is not the same thing as fitting in- in fact, I would say it&#x27;s the opposite. Fitting in requires buying into a perspective of one kind or another that can never be the whole truth for ourselves or for our community. ​Belonging, at least to my mind, means we get to recognise that we have our own individual perspective that is different from every other person, that our experiences and intersections and biology and epigenetics make us singular. We get to be allowed, not by other people and perhaps not even by our selves, but by the fact of our existence. We get to be where and who we are and to have that be perfect in that moment.​With that wholeness, we can begin to inter-relate and recognise interdependence as well. We can start to think about how we in our perfection can allow everyone else to be themselves. Not to say that anyone needs our permission. As soon as we think we have the power to grant approval, we are living in dominance.​We are living in a time that feels broken to me in many ways. A time when dominance is imbued in most of the systems in which we participate. ​ So much of our current discourse seems oriented around nostalgia for times that were never great for a lot of people, or trying to address inequity by focusing on equality. Many people have pointed out that equality is a poor substitute for equity, but even that argument misses something important when it comes to the opportunity to change our future. <h2>​Action &gt; Hope</h2>​The head of the <a href="https://belonging.berkeley.edu/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Othering and Belonging Institute at Berkeley</a>, <a href="http://www.johnapowell.org/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">john a. powell</a>, has one of the most powerful ways of articulating a way forward. Instead of trying to somehow get marginalized or under-resourced people up to the same bar as privileged people, he suggests that we think about what we want for ourselves, for our families, what would reflect our well-being, health, and our sense of belonging and then figure out how to get all people to that place. ​We are &quot;intraconnected&quot; and no one really can be free and be whole as long as systems of dominance enforce the idea of &#x27;have and have not&#x27; or &#x27;I&#x27;ll get mine&#x27; or any other way of thinking that positions my happiness against yours, and my needing &#x27;power over&#x27; to get what I need.​Communities are microcosms where we can practice this idea. As builders, we can seek to understand what we&#x27;re all collectively aiming for and to create structures that can help every member to get there, no matter what their starting place looks like. And that means that each person&#x27;s process is different and needs different supports and entry points. We don&#x27;t have to &quot;manage&quot; this; instead, we need to remove barriers to allow individuals to craft their own journey while becoming more integrated. ​The key to this, as with most things we do together, is listening with curiosity and without judgment or the intention to &quot;fix&quot; something. Listening to ourselves the same way. And as we bring people together and foster conversation with this orientation, we&#x27;re likely to discover our common goals and hopes and needs. ​There&#x27;s not a magic formula for unity. There&#x27;s work involved and I don&#x27;t know if we will make it. But we have possibility and undiscovered connections that are worth the effort.<h2>​Worth your time:</h2>​john a. powell speaks to bell hooks [<a href="https://youtu.be/0sX7fqIU4gQ" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">video</a>]​UnLonely Film Festival [<a href="https://www.artandhealing.org/season6/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">website</a>]​The &quot;Other&quot; Building Belonging (who are doing amazing work!) [<a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRrui9FZqM43NPfB5TFp0Ag" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">channel</a>]​picture caption: the trail leading to Olatunji Hall at Hollyhock<h1>​Join the conversation! </h1>​We&#x27;re starting with a collective of people who care about community here.<div style="text-align:center;margin-bottom:1rem"><a href="https://lu.ma/getwith" class="btn" style="background-color:#de3163;color:#ffffff;border:1px solid transparent;padding:0.75rem 1.5rem;border-radius:8px;font-size:1rem !important;line-height:1 !important;word-break:break-word;display:inline-block;text-align:center;font-weight:bold;text-decoration:none !important">Join the Conversation</a></div></div>

- this is our own hangout to talk about community building and making connections. Please join! 

AMA with Your Undivided Attention podcast

As I make re-entry into my normal life after 

a week in a beautiful place with beautiful people

 doing work that also embodies beauty in the truth sense of the term, I'm thinking, as I often do, about belonging. Last week, it was the first time in years (those years) when I found myself in a group of people who were new to me, and gracious if it didn't start my old 'I'm the outsider' tape playing in my brain's reel-to-reel. 

Human biology sometimes confounds logic. Our biological, embodied reaction to feeling estranged is to put up defenses, to withdraw, to have the same brain reaction as we do to physical pain (or at least, to have activity that looks the same as pain in an MRI scan). So it took a bit of soothing and self-talk to get out of my particular reaction to "being the interloper" (which tends to be a bit of a "performance of nice") and to remember that I belong to myself. And in the meantime, I really got to be compassionate to this little person inside me who changed schools so many times and had this weird background, weird brain, and weird identity that I learned to veneer. 

Belonging is not the same thing as fitting in- in fact, I would say it's the opposite. Fitting in requires buying into a perspective of one kind or another that can never be the whole truth for ourselves or for our community. 

Belonging, at least to my mind, means we get to recognise that we have our own individual perspective that is different from every other person, that our experiences and intersections and biology and epigenetics make us singular. We get to be allowed, not by other people and perhaps not even by our selves, but by the fact of our existence. We get to be where and who we are and to have that be perfect in that moment.

With that wholeness, we can begin to inter-relate and recognise interdependence as well. We can start to think about how we in our perfection can allow everyone else to be themselves. Not to say that anyone needs our permission. As soon as we think we have the power to grant approval, we are living in dominance.

We are living in a time that feels broken to me in many ways. A time when dominance is imbued in most of the systems in which we participate. 

 So much of our current discourse seems oriented around nostalgia for times that were never great for a lot of people, or trying to address inequity by focusing on equality. Many people have pointed out that equality is a poor substitute for equity, but even that argument misses something important when it comes to the opportunity to change our future. 

Othering and Belonging Institute at Berkeley

, has one of the most powerful ways of articulating a way forward. Instead of trying to somehow get marginalized or under-resourced people up to the same bar as privileged people, he suggests that we think about what we want for ourselves, for our families, what would reflect our well-being, health, and our sense of belonging and then figure out how to get all people to that place. 

" and no one really can be free and be whole as long as systems of dominance enforce the idea of 'have and have not' or 'I'll get mine' or any other way of thinking that positions my happiness against yours, and my needing 'power over' to get what I need.

Communities are microcosms where we can practice this idea. As builders, we can seek to understand what we're all collectively aiming for and to create structures that can help every member to get there, no matter what their starting place looks like. And that means that each person's process is different and needs different supports and entry points. We don't have to "manage" this; instead, we need to remove barriers to allow individuals to craft their own journey while becoming more integrated. 

The key to this, as with most things we do together, is listening with curiosity and without judgment or the intention to "fix" something. Listening to ourselves the same way. And as we bring people together and foster conversation with this orientation, we're likely to discover our common goals and hopes and needs. 

There's not a magic formula for unity. There's work involved and I don't know if we will make it. But we have possibility and undiscovered connections that are worth the effort.

The "Other" Building Belonging (who are doing amazing work!) [

picture caption: the trail leading to Olatunji Hall at Hollyhock

We're starting with a collective of people who care about community here.

A Shared Path to the Future

Upcoming Events:
Building Belonging Community Conversation July 6 at 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC
CMX Summit September 13-15
Community is a big deal - but NBD
(note: I will be offline for the next week at Radical Dharma Camp - see you on the other side!)
The Inner
On Sundays I go to the No Big Deal Sit, a practice of meditation in a Zoom with the framework of Point Practice developed by Rev. angel Kyodo williams. The idea of Point is that you are either in Point (attending to your belly outbreath) or out-of-Point (anything else).
After a few sessions I discovered that trying to focus was the quickest path for me to feel tension, to find my eyes trying to focus on something (Point is practiced with eyes open in a gentle gaze), to start "seeking" something. Whereas being in Point is being. (I know, I know, you've already seen The Empire Strikes Back).


There are many 'realizations' that happen for me intellectually a thousand times before I get them in my body. Another thing I noticed - and even struggled with - is that I’m judge-y. Out-of-Point seems "worse" than being in Point. Each time my mind wandered off, I might say, "why can't you just relax" or lots of other things that are, obviously, out-of-Point. The goal is to be in Point, right? When I started seeing that I could put that story down, that maybe the 'goal' is to notice Point and notice out-of-Point, I began having a much more loving time out-of-Point. It turns out it's OK, even great, to be out-of-Point, and then return to Point.
I write this feeling like maybe you won't believe me, maybe you'll say, "what's the point of a goal if the goal isn't accomplishment?" or maybe "something has to be good, or better than other things, or else every terrible thing is OK." I don't think I can argue these points, and still, what I crave is practice, because when I am figuring out what to do, I am stuck, and when I am doing something badly, I am learning.
One of the loudest voices for me is the one that says, "If you do something and look stupid it will ruin you." My past is littered with environments that involved tests of knowing to gain entry.
If I could just show you I am not stupid, you'd accept me. I'd accept me.
What's crazy is how knowledge (in the intellectual sense) rarely ever leads me take action or feel like I matter.
Practice and learning are deeper, more embodied, and have no value as 'things to seem good at.'' What I mean is that the little insights I pick up in practice are possibly interesting and I will share them with you and we may laugh when we see our common manoeuvres of avoidance. It's weird that feeling, being, is nothing to understand. It is not something I can tell you about or we can share, even though being with you helps to feel and be in myself.
The Inter 
At the beginning of each Sit, the co-keepers of the space say that this is not a community, it is a collective. We are responsible to each other, but not for one another.
In these spaces I do feel caring, more than simply allowing. Sometimes it is an appreciation of the intellect or the ideas. Sometimes I feel beauty, heartbreaking, fiery, sweet. I can be a witness, alive to the other humans who are gathered.
These spaces have rules, norms, a bias to respect and openness. They are more porous than community. You are there if you choose and you are not needed. There's a kind of belonging and without interchange, a lack of action.
Community is something else. In Teaching Community, A Pedagogy of Hope, bell hooks quotes M. Scott Peck’s idea that community is the “coming together of ‘a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to… make the condition of other’s our own.’”
Friendship also requires commitment, conversation, exploration, and uncovering. It comes from reciprocity, from time, from intention. It's making a new thing which is us together. Friends are not "better" but require different rules. Action is the same.
Great communities often have an open space of non-dialogue, and conduct practices of action outside that space. How can the technology we build serve that kind of community, one that allows people to be themselves together and also supports people to share a common purpose, to talk, to inter-relate in service of something that matters?

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Events:</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC2" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Conversation</a> July 6 at 10am PT | 1pm ET | 5pm UTC​<a href="https://cmxhub.com/summit/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">CMX Summit </a>September 13-15<h1>​Community is a big deal - but NBD</h1>​(note: I will be offline for the next week at <a href="https://radicaldharma.org/camp/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Radical Dharma Camp</a> - see you on the other side!)<h2>​The Inner</h2>​On Sundays I go to the No Big Deal Sit, a practice of meditation in a Zoom with the framework of Point Practice developed by <a href="https://angelkyodowilliams.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Rev. angel Kyodo williams</a>. The idea of Point is that you are either in Point (attending to your belly outbreath) or out-of-Point (anything else).​After a few sessions I discovered that trying to focus was the quickest path for me to feel tension, to find my eyes trying to focus on something (Point is practiced with eyes open in a gentle gaze), to start &quot;seeking&quot; something. Whereas being in Point is being. (I know, I know, you&#x27;ve already seen The Empire Strikes Back).​<img alt="Image" class="image" src="https://cdn.lu.ma/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,dpr=2,quality=85,width=800/editor-images/rh/c9c8b9a4-96c2-4589-87b9-29cd1bef4376" style="display:block;max-width:100%;max-height:400px;margin:24px auto"/>​There are many &#x27;realizations&#x27; that happen for me intellectually a thousand times before I get them in my body. Another thing I noticed - and even struggled with - is that I’m judge-y. Out-of-Point seems &quot;worse&quot; than being in Point. Each time my mind wandered off, I might say, &quot;why can&#x27;t you just relax&quot; or lots of other things that are, obviously, out-of-Point. The goal is to be in Point, right? When I started seeing that I could put that story down, that maybe the &#x27;goal&#x27; is to notice Point and notice out-of-Point, I began having a much more loving time out-of-Point. It turns out it&#x27;s OK, even great, to be out-of-Point, and then return to Point.​I write this feeling like maybe you won&#x27;t believe me, maybe you&#x27;ll say, &quot;what&#x27;s the point of a goal if the goal isn&#x27;t accomplishment?&quot; or maybe &quot;something has to be good, or better than other things, or else every terrible thing is OK.&quot; I don&#x27;t think I can argue these points, and still, what I crave is practice, because when I am figuring out what to do, I am stuck, and when I am doing something badly, I am learning.​One of the loudest voices for me is the one that says, &quot;If you do something and look stupid it will ruin you.&quot; My past is littered with environments that involved tests of knowing to gain entry.​If I could just show you I am not stupid, you&#x27;d accept me. I&#x27;d accept me.​What&#x27;s crazy is how knowledge (in the intellectual sense) rarely ever leads me take action or feel like I matter.​Practice and learning are deeper, more embodied, and have no value as &#x27;things to seem good at.&#x27;&#x27; What I mean is that the little insights I pick up in practice are possibly interesting and I will share them with you and we may laugh when we see our common manoeuvres of avoidance. It&#x27;s weird that feeling, being, is nothing to understand. It is not something I can tell you about or we can share, even though being with you helps to feel and be in myself.<h2>​The Inter </h2>​At the beginning of each Sit, the co-keepers of the space say that this is not a community, it is a collective. We are responsible to each other, but not for one another.​In these spaces I do feel caring, more than simply allowing. Sometimes it is an appreciation of the intellect or the ideas. Sometimes I feel beauty, heartbreaking, fiery, sweet. I can be a witness, alive to the other humans who are gathered.​These spaces have rules, norms, a bias to respect and openness. They are more porous than community. You are there if you choose and you are not needed. There&#x27;s a kind of belonging and without interchange, a lack of action.​Community is something else. In <a href="https://bellhooksbooks.com/product/teaching-community/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Teaching Community, A Pedagogy of Hope</a>, bell hooks quotes M. Scott Peck’s idea that community is the “coming together of ‘a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to… make the condition of other’s our own.’”​Friendship also requires commitment, conversation, exploration, and uncovering. It comes from reciprocity, from time, from intention. It&#x27;s making a new thing which is us together. Friends are not &quot;better&quot; but require different rules. Action is the same.​Great communities often have an open space of non-dialogue, and conduct practices of action outside that space. How can the technology we build serve that kind of community, one that allows people to be themselves together and also supports people to share a common purpose, to talk, to inter-relate in service of something that matters?</div>

(note: I will be offline for the next week at 

On Sundays I go to the No Big Deal Sit, a practice of meditation in a Zoom with the framework of Point Practice developed by 

. The idea of Point is that you are either 

After a few sessions I discovered that trying to focus was the quickest path for me to feel tension, to find my eyes trying to focus on something (Point is practiced with eyes open in a gentle gaze), to start "seeking" something. Whereas being in Point is 

. (I know, I know, you've already seen The Empire Strikes Back).

There are many 'realizations' that happen for me intellectually a thousand times before I get them in my body. Another thing I noticed - and even struggled with - is that I’m judge-y. 

. Each time my mind wandered off, I might say, "why can't you just relax" or lots of other things that are, obviously, 

, right? When I started seeing that I could put that story down, that maybe the 'goal' is to 

, I began having a much more loving time 

. It turns out it's OK, even great, to be out-of-Point, and then return to Point.

I write this feeling like maybe you won't believe me, maybe you'll say, "what's the point of a goal if the goal isn't accomplishment?" or maybe "something has to be good, or better than other things, or else every terrible thing is OK." I don't think I can argue these points, and still, what I crave is practice, because when I am figuring out what to do, I am stuck, and when I am doing something badly, I am learning.

One of the loudest voices for me is the one that says, "If you do something and look stupid it will ruin you." My past is littered with environments that involved tests of knowing to gain entry.

If I could just show you I am not stupid, you'd accept me. I'd accept me.

What's crazy is how knowledge (in the intellectual sense) rarely ever leads me take action or feel like I matter.

Practice and learning are deeper, more embodied, and have no value as 'things to seem good at.'' What I mean is that the little insights I pick up in practice are possibly interesting and I will share them with you and we may laugh when we see our common manoeuvres of avoidance. It's weird that feeling, being, is nothing to understand. It is not something I can tell you about or we can share, even though being with you helps to feel and be in myself.

At the beginning of each Sit, the co-keepers of the space say that 

this is not a community, it is a collective. We are responsible to each other, but not for one another

In these spaces I do feel caring, more than simply allowing. Sometimes it is an appreciation of the intellect or the ideas. Sometimes I feel beauty, heartbreaking, fiery, sweet. I can be a witness, alive to the other humans who are gathered.

These spaces have rules, norms, a bias to respect and openness. They are more porous than community. You are there if you choose and you are not needed. There's a kind of belonging and without interchange, a lack of action.

 quotes M. Scott Peck’s idea that community is the 

“coming together of ‘a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to… make the condition of other’s our own.’”

Friendship also requires commitment, conversation, exploration, and uncovering. It comes from reciprocity, from time, from intention. It's making a new thing which is us together. Friends are not "better" but require different rules. Action is the same.

Great communities often have an open space of non-dialogue, and conduct practices of action outside that space. How can the technology we build serve that kind of community, one that allows people to be themselves together and also supports people to share a common purpose, to talk, to inter-relate in service of something that matters?

Community is a big deal

Upcoming Building Belonging events:
Building Belonging Community Conversation - Audio-only conversation for community builders June 15 at 12pm PT / 3pm ET / 7pm UTC
Other cool things to check out:
A Small Group Intensive - The master of community practices and author of Community: The Structure of Our Belonging leads a workshop to experience the practice. June 11.
Commsor June Community Events - Join Commsor Community Club members in fun activities in June
🌗🌘🌑Collective Notes🌒🌓🌔
This week marks the start of the Building Belonging collective. You can join here! 
I use the word 'collective' because we don't automatically have a community just by putting people into the same place. A sense of community grows as we have inter-related experiences and get to know one another in the spirit of curiosity and caring. 
My pledge to you is that as we come together, I'll be making connections among people in the group to spark conversations and to help us all find it easier to develop actual relationships in our collective space. 
I'm here to listen and learn and support your amazing work, and to collaborate with you on a judgement-free zone where we can be with each other without having to take on any extra burden. And to have fun!
Our mission is to co-create spaces that foster belonging, caring, and a sense of significance. There is a global cultural and health crisis of loneliness and disconnection. Community builders are the innovators and leaders changing the trajectory. We believe that communities can be a force of transformation and that connection is the key.
So grateful for our connection and look forward to building belonging with you.
Thanks, 
Laure

<div class="mirror-content"><h2>​Upcoming Building Belonging events:</h2>​<a href="https://lu.ma/BBCC1" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Building Belonging Community Conversation </a>- Audio-only conversation for community builders June 15 at 12pm PT / 3pm ET / 7pm UTC<h2>​Other cool things to check out:</h2>​<a href="https://www.eventbrite.com/e/a-small-group-intensive-with-peter-block-a-virtual-event-june-11-tickets-335425445537" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">A Small Group Intensive</a> - The master of community practices and author of Community: The Structure of Our Belonging leads a workshop to experience the practice. June 11.​<a href="https://commchat.commsor.com/events" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">Commsor June Community Events</a> - Join Commsor Community Club members in fun activities in June<h1>​🌗🌘🌑Collective Notes🌒🌓🌔</h1>​This week marks the start of the Building Belonging collective. <a href="https://lu.ma/getwith" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">You can join here</a>! ​I use the word &#x27;collective&#x27; because we don&#x27;t automatically have a community just by putting people into the same place. A sense of community grows as we have inter-related experiences and get to know one another in the spirit of curiosity and caring. ​My pledge to you is that as we come together, I&#x27;ll be making connections among people in the group to spark conversations and to help us all find it easier to develop actual relationships in our collective space. ​I&#x27;m here to listen and learn and support your amazing work, and to collaborate with you on a judgement-free zone where we can be with each other without having to take on any extra burden. And to have fun!​Our mission is to co-create spaces that foster belonging, caring, and a sense of significance. There is a global cultural and health crisis of loneliness and disconnection. Community builders are the innovators and leaders changing the trajectory. We believe that communities can be a force of transformation and that connection is the key.​So grateful for our connection and look forward to building belonging with you.​Thanks, ​Laure </div>

Building Belonging Community Conversation 

- Audio-only conversation for community builders June 15 at 12pm PT / 3pm ET / 7pm UTC

 - The master of community practices and author of Community: The Structure of Our Belonging leads a workshop to experience the practice. June 11.